My Human-ness…

Well, I missed a day (and nearly two) participating in NaBloPoMo and the Thankfulness Project. I’ve been very busy with my studies, my family, and just not feeling very well. The past few days have been full of distraction and exhaustion for me and I’ve had very little mental resources left by the time I reach my quiet time before bed. Blah…

One new thing I’m thankful for, however, is that I took a bold step and obtained a music gig at a new cafe. This is something that I haven’t done in about four years, when I started a relationship with the man who would become my husband. We are both singers and musicians who loved to perform and had all these grand dreams of being a unique “husband and wife” musical duo. Life didn’t imitate art, in our case. We got married… and comfortable… worked hard… got busier… got more tired… got fatter (speaking for myself on that one)…

I always loved doing musical performances and having the freedom to do it. I can’t entirely explain it, but since I got married, I haven’t felt as free to do a lot of the things I felt free to do prior to that. My husband is not restrictive; he has never and will never tell me not to spread my wings and seek musical gigs and growth for myself. But I used to sense that he felt sad and left out when I considered it out loud, so I didn’t seek it for a while. Yet, I hated the fact that I lost my own musical style as we tried to meld ours together. Mostly I tried to ignore that when opportunities would present for us to perform somewhere. I would ask my husband, “Wanna do this gig? Wanna? Huh, huh, huh?!” Well, he began to get too busy, too tired, and too overwhelmed as his business began to grow. And he always refused on the basis that he thought we never practiced enough. Thing is, I always hated taking the time to practice without a planned goal in mind. If there was no goal or reward to work toward, then practicing the same songs over and over made me exceedingly bored and irritated. I could be doing something more productive with my time.

So I finally got tired of it, put on my big girl panties, dusted the cobwebs off my mind and exercised the power of independent action for the first time in four years. I told him I was going for a gig and he was fine with it. He even supported it by videotaping my performance so the cafe owner could hire me. I think that my husband sensed my depression, frustration, and impatience in waiting to do gigs again and wanted me to feel free to do whatever released me. It also released him, because I think he is so tired, busy, and preoccupied with his business now that he doesn’t need the pressure of adding more things to his “to-do” list.

Another bonus that helps me to be thankful: the upcoming gig, which should occur in about a month-and-a-half, gives me new motivation to take care of my body again and shed some pounds. Much of my frustration in sublimating my gifts and dreams (which was my own fault since I put myself last, not my husband’s fault) caused me to lose heart and let myself go. Not anymore. I feel more of a freedom to pursue the things I really want to do and now feel a new motivation to get clean and healthy again.

***

I have a lot of catching up to do with my study assignments, but I will try to regain momentum with NaBloPoMo again soon!

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2 thoughts on “My Human-ness…

  1. I gave up on NaBloPoMo before it even began 😉
    Your gig sounds exciting! It seems like your husband just wasn’t as “into it” as you, especially if he has his own business going. I’m glad he is being supportive– I can’t wait to hear how it goes. Have you recorded anything? You should do one of those soundcloud things or whatever, where you record yourself and then we internet creepers can give it a listen.

    • Soundcloud… I’ll have to look that up. I’m a bit out of the loop when it comes any kind of recording device but I’ll be interested in looking at all that stuff now. Have a couple old demos but I’m looking to create new ones (and, perhaps, an album) that reflect how my singing has changed a bit.

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