A Night Without Stars

I believe in God… but tonight I feel lost. Without tether, floating around in blackness from whence the constellations have fallen.

I believe in God… but tonight I feel very alone.

My husband and I are unhappy with each other tonight. I have felt his disapproval today and I, to punish him, have withheld my affection. We are like two petulant children in an otherwise healthy relationship. Tonight, however, I have no sense of humor about it.

I was laid off from my last job two months ago, then began working for my husband. Most of the time it’s fine… just not the same as earning my own income from an outside source and contributing to the household income. And sometimes it puts stress on our relationship.

I long to achieve… to be an independent earner… to spend some time with friends again and have a little fun. I have very little of this right now. Things are not going as I would like them to go.

I feel very out of control. Very groundless. And, on top of it all, it feels like God has given me the cold shoulder.

At the same time, however, I know that how I feel at any given moment is not necessarily an accurate representative of what really is.

By conscious faith and volition, God is my god. In subconscious practice, however, it seems evident to me that I’ve allowed the security of a job, my husband’s [fictional] unconditional acceptance and, yes, money, to occupy a larger place in my heart. If those things were my gods, then small wonder I feel so lost now that I am dispossessed of them.

So I will lay here in my bed, surrounded only by a swirling mix of stale sheets, thoughts and blackness, and wait for the one true God to make His presence known. Fill my cup, Lord. Fill my cup.

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